


Invictus

by LittlebutFiery



Series: Jane & Garrus [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: AU, Destroy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Recovery, established AU, post-ME3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2018-10-29 08:55:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10850655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittlebutFiery/pseuds/LittlebutFiery
Summary: Following her miraculous survival of the Destroy ending, Jane struggles through her physical and mental recovery.





	1. The Fell Clutch of Circumstance

_Out of the night that covers me,_

_Black as the pit from pole to pole,_

_I thank whatever gods may be_

_For my unconquerable soul._

_In the fell clutch of circumstance_

_I have not winced nor cried aloud._

_Under the bludgeonings of chance_

_My head is bloody, but unbowed._

_Beyond this place of wrath and tears_

_Looms but the Horror of the shade,_

_And yet the menace of the years_

_Finds and shall find me unafraid._

_It matters not how strait the gate,_

_How charged with punishments the scroll,_

_I am the master of my fate,_

_I am the captain of my soul._

_\- William E. Henry, "Invictus"_

The last thing Jane Shepard knew was pain.

It burned through every nerve in her body; every step she took was daggers down her spine and legs. It was unbearable.

It was nothing compared to the pain that broke her heart, knowing those who had fallen behind, and knowing that she was about to become one of them.

Ashley, with her brash courage; Legion, with his newfound identity; Thane, with his quiet piety; Mordin, with his determination to right his wrongs.

Anderson, the loving father she hadn’t had.

Jane let out an involuntary sob of pain at knowing that Anderson was dead. She could have saved him somehow…if only she’d tried harder.

It didn’t matter anymore. She was going to join him. She knew that.

It was cruel, Jane thought darkly, that the Catalyst she had hung the galaxy’s hopes on was the thing that was going to kill her. She had placed so much faith in the Protheans’ blueprint that it hadn’t even occurred to her that it would be just as bitter and vile as the rest of the war against the Reapers.

It had given her a “choice,” sure. Was it really a choice? Control or destroy the Reapers…what a hell of a decision. Just like the rest of them she’d been forced to make. Since that fateful mission on Eden Prime, it seemed like she’d never been given a choice – and when she was, it was between impossible options. Kaidan or Ashley, freeing or killing the rachni queen, krogans or salarians, geth or quarians…no one knew it, but the repercussions of her choices haunted her dreams.

And now she had two more impossible options and the highest stakes she could imagine. Why had the galaxy picked her to make this decision? She was a soldier; she wasn’t used to the high-stakes chess games politicians and generals played with lives. Each of the previous decisions had worn away at her, bit by bit, and now there was nothing left.

As petulant as she knew it was, she couldn’t help but think this wasn’t fair. She had been given moments to make a choice that would take a better leader days to make, and she had to hope it was the right one.

Controlling the Reapers was something the Illusive Man had believed would work, but Jane was less easily convinced. She knew what they were capable of; she’d seen how easily they indoctrinated organics. Trying to control that power could only end in disaster.

Destroying them didn’t seem like much better of an option. Life was so dependent on technology now that destroying all of it seemed almost worse than letting the Reapers run rampant. Visions of Legion and EDI flashed through Jane’s head, and she wondered how she could condemn all synthetics after everything they’d done for the galaxy.

How she could add anyone else to the list of those she’d lost?

She was to the center of the room, and she had to make her choice. She knew the clock was ticking, that the Catalyst was probably waiting for any hesitation to betray her.

Hoping her tears would serve as appropriate apologies to EDI and the geth, Jane staggered towards the side of the station the Catalyst had indicated would destroy the Reapers. She hated the thought of destroying so many synthetic lives, but it was the only option – controlling the Reapers could go so horrifically wrong. Jane clutched at the victory ring EDI had given her, hanging from her dog tags, and willed herself forward.

It was excruciating, taking faltering step after faltering step towards the glowing red device that represented her choice. Her body shrieked in protest as she struggled to keep walking, bloody hands pulling her pistol from its holster. Jane tripped and fell, unable to bite back the scream of pain as her broken and battered body hit the ground. As she fought her way back to her feet, the Catalyst’s words echoed in her ears, reminding her of the consequences of her actions. As firmly as Jane knew she had no other options, she knew one other thing as well.

She was going to die.

“I’m sorry, Garrus,” Jane whispered.

With this, she raised the pistol and shot at the red device.

There was a deafening silence before the room exploded in a chaos of light and sound, and Jane Shepard closed her eyes and was no more.

 

 

“Jane?”

Jane struggled to open her eyes, such a small motion taking so much out of her. She tried to move but couldn’t, body screaming in protest as she attempted to stretch and turn her head.

“Good, you’re awake.”

She belatedly remembered the voice that had woken her; her eyes flew open. All around her was an endless fog, dense and impenetrable. A single figure stood within view – a turian.

“So you’re the Jane Shepard I’ve heard so much about,” the turian said with a small smile.

The turian knew her, but she didn’t know him…did she? His face and voice were unfamiliar, but those colony marks and those piercing eyes….

“Titus,” Jane breathed.

Titus Vakarian’s smile grew broader. “Captain Titus Vakarian, at your service.”

“Where…am I?” Jane managed, confused. 

“The turians call it the Neque,” Titus replied. “I believe the human term is ‘limbo.’”

“Am I dead?” Jane asked.

“You’re neither alive or dead,” Titus said.

“I don’t understand,” Jane said weakly.

“The Neque is a shadow world, where things that cannot be are and things that are cannot be,” Titus replied cryptically. “Only souls caught between life and death linger here.”

“How do I get out?” Jane demanded.

“The way out is yours to find,” Titus said simply. “It is up to you.”

Tears, angry and afraid, welled at the corner of Jane’s eyes. She shouted, “You’re talking in riddles! Just tell me how to go home!”

“What is home to you, Jane?” Titus asked.

Jane was ready to shout again before realizing the depth of his question. She hesitated before finally whispering, “Garrus.”

Titus smiled. “Look around, Jane.”

Feebly, painfully, Jane turned her head and looked in the direction Titus indicated. Her heart broke with more pain than anything she had been through on the Crucible.

Garrus was there, chasing a little turian and beaming. He growled in mock determination, “I’m going to get you, Titus!”

The little turian, apparently also named Titus, laughed and shrieked with joy, dodging Garrus. Garrus intercepted him, scooping Titus into his arms and nuzzling him, despite the boy’s protests.

“Mama!” Titus shrieked. “Mama, make Papa leave me alone!”

“Flaunting your victory, Garrus?” an eerily familiar voice teased.

Jane’s eyes went wide with realization before the figure stepped out of the fog.

It was her.

Jane – other Jane – stood just within view, arms crossed and a smirk on her face. Garrus turned to her, light in his eyes as a lovestruck smile split his face in two. It was like he’d never seen her before.

“Well, turians are nothing if not shitty victors,” Garrus teased right back.

Little Titus squirmed in Garrus’s arms, trying to escape. As he did so, he made eye contact with Jane.

She gasped. Those…those were her eyes. A turian with human eyes…with _her_ eyes…

A sob tore itself from her throat as Jane reached uselessly for the little boy.

For her son.

“It’s hard to see the things that can never be, isn’t it?” the older Titus asked.

Tears streamed down Jane’s face as she feebly struggled to move. She cried, “Please…let me hold him.”

As though he could hear her, baby Titus reached for her and wailed, struggling even harder against Garrus’s grip.

“What’s wrong, big guy?’ a new voice asked.

Joker emerged from the mist, walking over to Garrus and the little boy and offering Titus a reassuring pat on the back.

“My sensors indicate severe emotional distress,” a familiar mechanical voice replied as EDI followed Joker from the fog. “Akin to losing a loved one.”

“Hey, you’re cool, chief,” Joker offered the boy a big smile. “Nobody’s going anywhere. Your mom and dad are right here. And Uncle Joker and Aunt EDI are too.”

“I…don’t want to see any more,” Jane whispered.

“I have no control over what you see, Jane,” Titus said. “This reflects your hopes and dreams. What could be.”

“What could have been,” Jane corrected weakly. “None of this…none of this is real. It won’t ever be real. Please, make it stop.”

Titus stepped between Jane and the horrible vision, blocking her view. He said, “Jane, I think the time is coming for you to decide.”

“Decide what?” Jane asked through her tears.

“Where you go from here,” Titus replied.

“I don’t understand,” Jane persisted, confused and broken from her vision.

“Whether you live or die,” a new voice said.

“Who’s that?” Jane demanded, fighting to turn her head.

“An old friend,” Titus said simply. He turned to go, but stopped and said, “Remember, Jane. The Spirits test those they know can handle it. Have as much faith in yourself as you have in my son.”

With this, he vanished, leaving a familiar figure standing in his place.

Jane didn’t know how the pain kept getting worse, but a spasm of unbearable agony shot through her, leaving her crumpled on the ground. From her fetal position, Jane managed, “Anderson…”

“I’ve never seen you so sentimental, Shepard. Now’s not the time to start,” Anderson smiled sadly.

“I’m sorry,” Jane cried, body shaking with sobs. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you.”

“You didn’t need to save me from anything,” Anderson chuckled. “It’s about damn time I got some rest.”

Jane had no response, so Anderson went on, “The only person you can really save in this galaxy is yourself. And that’s what it’s time to do, Shepard.”

“I don’t understand!” Jane insisted. “How?”

“Listen,” Anderson said instead.

Jane listened to the silence of the hazy world for a moment before more voices were audible.

_“She’s in critical condition! She’s hemorrhaging!”_

_“The defibrillator is ready! Clear!”_

_“Find an O.R. that’s available, or make one! She needs emergency surgery!_ ”

“What…am I hearing?” Jane asked.

“The real world. The living are like ghosts in this world, but you can still hear them. And before you make a decision, you better damn well listen,” Anderson said.

Jane went quiet again.

“ _Jane! Jane! Where is she?”_

_“Sir, please! You can’t come in here!”_

_“I have to see her! Let me see her!”_

_“Sir!”_

“Garrus!” Jane gasped, finally regaining enough strength to sit up. Her chest heaved with the adrenaline Garrus’s voice pulsed with.

“You have two options, Shepard: life or death,” Anderson said. “Neither one is easy.”

“I…choose?” Jane echoed.

“Your will to live, or not, will determine what happens,” Anderson explained. “You have to decide: is the cost of living one you’re willing to pay?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Jane demanded.

“You created a brave new world, Shepard. There will be prices to pay for the decision you made,” Anderson replied.

“EDI,” Jane whispered. “The geth…”

“The world you knew is gone, and your body is broken,” Anderson said. “Are the things tying you to life strong enough to pull you through?”

Jane hesitated just long enough for a howl of, “ _JANE!_ ” to ring through the ghostly dreamscape. The pain in Garrus’s voice was enough to make up her mind.

“They are,” Jane proclaimed, voice strong.

“Then I’ll see you someday down the road,” Anderson said.

“Wait! I want to…I want to say goodbye,” Jane pleaded.

“Not now,” Anderson smiled. “Never been one for goodbyes. See you around, Shepard.” 

With this, Anderson faded into the mist. A moment later, Jane collapsed back against the ground and her vision slowly turned to black.


	2. The Night That Covers Me

“Sir?” a timid voice asked from somewhere behind Garrus’s shoulder.

He turned, tired and broken. “Yeah?”

“Dr. Michel says you can see her now,” the nurse standing behind him said.

“Really?” Garrus hardly dared to believe that was true. He’d spent almost a week arguing with doctors and nurses, desperately trying to see what was left of the woman he loved.

“Really,” the nurse smiled sadly. “But, uh…she did want me to tell you that…it’s not good.”

“I don’t care,” Garrus insisted. “I have to see Jane.”

The nurse sighed. “Follow me, sir.”

Garrus followed her down a maze of hallways full of debris. The nurse sidestepped a pile of sparking wires and rubble, saying, “Excuse the mess. We’ve only rebuilt enough for now that we could return to work.”

“I don’t care about the mess,” Garrus waved her off. “I care about Jane.”

They continued for a while before arriving at what was clearly a makeshift hospital room.  What was left of a door covered the entrance, and from the inside of the room mechanical beeping was audible.

“You’re sure?” the nurse asked.

“Positive,” Garrus nodded.

The nurse moved the door to the side and pulled aside a torn curtain, revealing the broken remains of Jane Shepard.

She was alive, according to the machines, but Garrus had seen corpses in better shape than her. She looked so small and fragile against the huge white bed, like a little baby bird. Her hair was singed and black where it still survived; there were large patches where it had been burned entirely off. Jane’s face was bloody, bruised, and burned nearly beyond recognition.

A familiar voice saw Garrus’s reaction and said, “We warned you it wasn’t good.”

“Dr. Michel,” Garrus greeted quietly. “Will she live?”

“By all laws of the universe, she should be dead,” Dr. Michel said; Garrus flinched. “No one should have been able to survive the Crucible’s fall to Earth after the explosion. She did, somehow, with fewer injuries than we’d expect. A significant number of broken and shattered bones, a punctured lung, and a metal bar through her abdomen, but that’s all the fall did to her.”

“What about the burns?” Garrus asked, voice hardly a whisper.

“Shepard survived two explosions. One onboard the Crucible, which we believe triggered the destruction of the Reapers, and one when the Crucible crashed into Earth,” Dr. Michel explained.

Garrus was quiet, staring at Jane and fighting the twisting in his stomach. If he hadn’t been injured on Earth…if he could have gone with her…would she still be so burned and broken? Could he have saved her? After a long time, he managed lamely, “Why is she still in her armor?”

Dr. Michel sighed. “I was afraid you’d ask that. The two explosions fused her armor to her skin. We’ve begun to remove it, but it’s going to take months. We can only remove small amounts at a time, or she may hemorrhage to death – and she’s lost an incredible amount of blood as it is. There’s only so much blood and synthetic skin we have access to right now.”

“Months?” Garrus echoed.

The doctor nodded. “It may go faster once our technology begins to be rebuilt, but for now, we’re working with technology roughly equivalent to the early 21st century’s. We’re erring on the side of caution with the Commander. The last thing I want to do is have her survive so much, only for her own doctors to kill her.”

“Is she in pain?” Garrus asked.

“No. She was barely conscious when she was found; we have her in a medically induced coma to keep her from being in excruciating pain,” Dr. Michel replied.

Garrus was quiet for a long time, trying to take it all in. Hadn’t he and Jane planned for all of these wonderful, bright, happy things in their future? Children and a happy home on a tropical planet far, far away from Elysium…long lives and growing old together…freedom from all the expectations and stereotypes that came from being a war hero and a former slave.

And instead, Jane was feebly clinging to life, a bloody, disfigured all-but-corpse in a decimated hospital.

“It’s not fair,” Garrus managed weakly.

“I know,” Dr. Michel smiled sadly. “You and Shepard both deserve far better than the universe has given you. But she’ll pull through. You can stay here as long as you wish, until she’s awake again.”

“I won’t leave her side,” Garrus vowed.

“I’ll have one of my nurses set up a bed for you so you can at least be comfortable,” Dr. Michel nodded. “If you’ll excuse me. I have other patients I need to check on.”

 

The first month Garrus spent with Jane was oddly peaceful, considering everything that was going on. From the hospital room’s cracked window Garrus watched as the rebuilding of Earth began, rubble slowly being replaced with foundations of buildings.

Dr. Michel kept the news of Jane’s location intensely secret, even if word of her survival had somehow spread like a rumor on the wind. No reporters would hound Jane or Garrus, the doctor had vowed, until Jane was fully healed. It was a promise so loyally kept that Garrus couldn’t help but admire the woman.

The only people Jane had visit, then, were nurses and doctors. They periodically wheeled her out of the room for this procedure or that surgery, and she often returned with a bloodied bandage covering an area once fused with armor. It was painful, watching Jane leave broken and return bloody, but Garrus knew that in time, the multitude of procedures would come to an end.

Three months in, though, and word was slowly creeping around. This adventurous reporter, chasing what more established reporters thought were myths, or that intrepid cameraman, eager for the next big scoop, found their way to the hospital.

Garrus turned them away before they could confirm their theory.

A knock at the door one rainy afternoon, just as the last of the rubble was cleared from the plaza Garrus liked to look at, garnered the same response. Garrus got up from his well-worn chair in the corner, pulling the curtain around Jane’s bed shut before opening the door and growling, “Fuck off. You’re not going to find any big scoops here.”

It took him a moment to realize that he was talking to two people, not one, and neither of them held a camera or a notepad.

More importantly, they were familiar, though aged since the last time he’d seen them.

“Garrus?” Hannah Shepard gasped.

Garrus was stunned into silence, unable to grasp what he was seeing. Hannah – and behind her, Joseph – was standing before him after years and years. There were tears in Hannah’s eyes, and a strange softness in Joseph’s, that matched the unexpected emotions swelling in Garrus’s chest.

Unable to say anything intelligent, Garrus simply nodded. Hannah’s tears began to fall in earnest as she threw her arms around Garrus, sobbing, “I was so afraid we’d lost you too. But Joe knew you wouldn’t leave Jane’s side.”

Garrus hugged her back, relishing in the feeling of a maternal embrace for the first time in so many years. Though she’d been his master, Garrus had always seen her as a mother before anything else.

“If you’re alive, that must mean Jane is too…right?” Joseph added, voice wavering with uncertainty.

“Barely,” Garrus admitted. He let go of Hannah, letting the Shepards into the room and pulling Jane’s curtain aside.

Hannah let out a howl like a wounded animal at seeing her daughter’s condition, knees buckling beneath her. Joseph barely caught her, uncharacteristic tears sliding down his cheeks.

“What happened to her?” Joseph asked.

“She survived two explosions and the Citadel falling to Earth,” Garrus explained, feeling sick at how clinical and detached the words sounded. “It’s a miracle she’s alive.”

“She’s always been our little miracle,” Hannah sobbed. “So brave and strong and beautiful.”

Garrus turned away, overwhelmed by the pain and the truth in Hannah’s words. Jane was a miracle, a force of nature bottled up into a tiny human body. A tiny human that loved Garrus, and who Garrus loved so much he couldn’t bear it.

“How long until she’s…better?” Joseph asked.

“I don’t know. The doctor said probably a few more months. They don’t know what will happen when she wakes up, but for now they’re still fixing what they can,” Garrus said.

“Can she hear us?” Hannah’s voice stuck in her throat as she spoke, tears strangling what little of her voice she could summon.

“I like to think so,” Garrus smiled sadly. He went to Jane’s bed, sitting beside her near-lifeless figure and oh so gently placing his forehead against hers. He murmured in her ear, “Jane, your parents are here to see you. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Jane,” Hannah cried, finding the strength to stand and making her way to Jane’s bed. Garrus stood, allowing Hannah to take his place at Jane’s side. Hannah gingerly took her daughter’s hand in both of hers as she went on, “Jane, sweetheart. Your father and I are so proud of you and everything you’ve done. I wish we could have seen you again, on…on better terms than last time. You have to get better, sweetie. Please don’t leave us like this.”

Joseph put a hand on his wife’s shoulder, adding quietly, “We love you, Janie. We don’t care whether you’re a big hero or not…we just want our daughter back.”

“She’ll get better,” Garrus vowed. “I’ll be there to make sure of it.”

“We know you will,” Hannah smiled, despite her tears. “What you did, just now, when you sat with her…you love her, don’t you?”

Garrus recoiled, surprised. “I, er…”

“I read a book on turian behavior not long after we…bought you,” Hannah said. “Touching foreheads is something that couples do, isn’t it?”

“Not exactly,” Garrus found his words after a moment. “It means ‘I love you.’ Parents do the same with their children that I did with Jane.”

“You’ve loved her a long time,” Joseph commented. “I remember you two making that gesture when you were children.”

“I’ve loved her since I first saw her,” Garrus admitted. What he wouldn’t give to have things be so simple now, to play hide-and-seek with Jane and touch his forehead to hers when he was angry she found him, to remind her that he still loved her, no matter what.

And that he always would.

The dizzying realization that Jane’s parents now knew their daughter loved their former slave brought Garrus back to reality. He stammered intelligently, “Uh.”

Hannah smiled, seeming to read his mind. “Garrus. I hope you know that I’ve always seen you as my own. I may have been your master, not your mother, and I know I can never replace your family. But please know…I’ve always loved you as my child. Losing you, and then Jane…”

Joseph picked up as Hannah’s voice broke again. “It nearly broke her.”

Hannah nodded, swallowed hard, and continued, “You don’t need to be afraid of us, Garrus. Of us or of your relationship with Jane.”

Garrus couldn’t help but smile, walking back towards Hannah’s outstretched arms for a tight embrace. He touched his forehead to hers and her grip only tightened, tears falling faster onto Garrus’s shirt.

When Garrus finally was released from Hannah’s embrace, Joseph cleared his throat awkwardly and managed, “For what it’s worth…and I’m not sure it’s worth anything to you at this point…I’m sorry.”

_This_ truly surprised Garrus into silence; all he was able to do was stare at Joseph. The man went on hesitantly, “I never saw turians as worth much of anything. But during this war, I saw the turians stand up to help Earth…even though we’d enslaved them all. They risked everything they had gotten back in the past few years…just to help the people that fucked them over. And…and it made me realize…we aren’t any better than the turians. We all want the same things for our families…and at the end of the day, you can’t blame someone for that. So. Um…I know I said and did horrible things, to you and to Jane. But…I’m sorry.”

The sincerity in Joseph’s apology brought a surprised smile to Garrus’s face. Unable to match the man’s sincerity and genuine feeling, Garrus managed, “Jane’s going to be so surprised to hear you talk like that when she wakes up.”

“When she wakes up,” Joseph echoed, nodding.

Not if, but when. Garrus was sure of it.

 

Two more months dragged on. The Shepards reluctantly returned to Elysium to tend to their farm, but not without Garrus’s earnest promise to call them as soon as Jane woke up.

The reporters had grown bolder – one attempted to sneak into Jane’s room while Garrus was asleep, but the nurse checking Jane’s vitals knocked him out cold. The Council stationed two Spectres outside Jane’s door at all times after that. The overtrained, overqualified guard dogs made Garrus feel much more at ease. He even slept through the night once after they arrived.

Only once, though.

Two nights after the Spectres arrived, Garrus had only just dozed off when there was a soft knock at the door. He turned a little on his makeshift cot, waiting for the Spectres to haul off the interloper so he could get a peaceful night’s sleep.

There was another knock.

Again, Garrus waited, tiredly grumbling to himself about the Spectres not doing their job, about how no Spectre could hold a candle to Jane.

Then the door opened.

“I don’t know what the _fuck_ you think you’re doing, but for your own sake you better get out of here,” Garrus growled, sitting up and pulling out the pistol he’d neglected to tell Dr. Michel he had. In the darkness of the room, all he could see was shadows silhouetted by the bright hallway lights.

“It’s fine, Vakarian,” one of the Spectres, a turian named Mynax, scowled. “Get the stick out of your ass.”

“There were orders for _no visitors_ ,” Garrus spat back, glancing at the curtain around Jane’s bed to make sure it was closed.

“Not even family?” a soft flanging voice asked.

Garrus’s vision spun. He knew that voice, though when he’d known it it had been mangled by ragged coughs. He slowly lowered his pistol to his side with a trembling hand, setting it beside him on the bed.

“It can’t be,” Garrus whispered as he stood. Mynax let out a noise of disapproval and flicked on the lights, blinding Garrus for a moment.

Before him stood two female turians, one almost as tall as him, the other small and fragile. The tall one was unfamiliar, but the frail one…he’d know her anywhere. He’d know that warm presence, those loving eyes, that mischievous smile – the smile his father had once told him he’d inherited from his mother.

“Mom?” Garrus managed.

“It’s been a while, sweetheart,” Vestia Vakarian smiled.

Garrus all but tackled his mother with a hug, clinging to her for the motherly comfort he so desperately needed. She laughed, though her voice was tight with emotion, “You haven’t changed at all. You always did love to give your old mom a good hug.”

“I can’t believe it,” Garrus said, holding her for another moment before pulling back to look at her. Though she was older and frail-looking, she looked significantly healthier than when Garrus had been taken from her. “How…I thought…”

“That I’d be dead?” Vestia asked; Garrus flinched away. She simply smiled and went on, “I would be, if not for your human. She rescued us years ago and helped me find a doctor.”

Garrus’s heart swelled with more affection for Jane than he thought possible. He knew Jane had rescued his family and helped them resettle on Palaven, but to see them in person brought some level of realness to it Garrus hadn’t realized he needed.

Then it hit him. Jane had rescued his _family_.

Garrus looked, really looked, at the women in front of him. If the small turian was his mother, then the tall one had to be…

“Solana?” Garrus asked.

Solana smirked, teasing, “I see why they paid you the big bucks at C-Sec, with those deductive skills.”

“I…” Garrus trailed off lamely. The last time he’d seen Solana, she was a tiny baby clinging to their mother. Now she was an adult, and by the looks of it, was just as proud, strong, and goddamn sarcastic as Garrus and their late father. Somewhere along the line, she’d gotten her colony marks, bright streaks of indigo across her face. A face that looked strikingly like their mother’s – Solana was beautiful.

He got it together and quipped right back at Solana, “Shut up, kid. I could take you if you keep talking like that.”

“There’s the big brother I’ve dreamt about. Took you long enough to show up. Mom and I have been looking for you for years,” Solana smiled.

“Solana,” Vestia scolded. “Your brother has had a trying few years.”

“Too trying to find his family?” Solana scowled.

“Yes,” Garrus admitted quietly. “With what’s happened to Jane…”

“We heard she was still in the hospital,” Vestia said sadly. “How is she doing?”

Garrus pulled aside the curtain around Jane’s bed; Solana let out a pained noise. Jane had returned that morning from having her final piece of armor, her breastplate, removed – her entire torso was covered with bloody bandages. Her hair was growing back, long in some areas, short and wild where it had been burned off.

“She’s a fighter,” Garrus said, after a sad silence. “She’s going to make it.”

“If anybody could, it’s her,” Solana nodded. “She saved us, and she saved you…if she can do that, I think she can do anything.”

“She can,” Garrus agreed.

“The Spirits will protect and help her,” Vestia said. “Your father won’t let anything more happen to the woman who saved his family.”

“Sorry to ruin the party, but you’ve got to go. The doc doesn’t know we let you in here, and she’s doing her rounds soon. She’ll be pissed if you’re here,” Mynax cut in, returning to the room.

“Just five more minutes?” Solana pleaded, sounding exactly like Garrus expected his little sister to be like.

“No,” Mynax scowled.

“I’ll talk to Dr. Michel in the morning,” Garrus promised Vestia and Solana, who looked distraught. “If Jane’s parents can visit, there’s no reason you can’t.”

“We’ll see you soon, then,” Vestia smiled. She pulled Garrus into a hug and leaned her forehead against his. “I missed you, Garrus.”

“I missed you too, Mom,” Garrus managed.

“Life wasn’t complete without my daughters and no son. But now my heart is whole again,” Vestia said. She turned to go. “Don’t worry about us, Garrus. Focus on Jane. Be there for her.”

“I will,” Garrus vowed. “Always.”

It wasn’t until he was nearly asleep that what his mother had said hit him.

_Daughters_. Not daughter.

That night, Garrus dreamed of Jane in a beautiful white dress, laughing and dancing with him.

Someday, he prayed, someday that would be real.


	3. The Horror of the Shade

_ Beep……beep……beep… _

Jane struggled to open her eyes, her muscles feeling sluggish, like they were filled with lead. She had no idea why she felt so sore and heavy. All she knew was she needed to find the source of the beeping, and shut it the hell up.

She let out a groan as she tried to move muscles that felt like they hadn’t moved in months, everything fighting back as she tried to turn onto her side and smack the beeping machine.

“Dr. Michel!” a voice, somehow familiar, called from somewhere in the room. “She’s…!”

The sound of running footsteps, then a gasp of surprise. The new person finished the sentence with, “Awake!”

Jane tried to ask what was going on, but it came out instead as a garbled, “Hgnhh…”

Finally, somehow, with Herculean effort, Jane opened her eyes. She was staring at a heart rate monitor – the source of the goddamn beeps. Behind it, a clinical, sterile white wall…or what had once been that, and now was full of cracks and holes.

“Jane?” the first voice asked gently.

Jane groaned again, flopping back over onto her back. In front of her, at the foot of what looked like a hospital bed, were a human and…not a human. Both looked familiar, somehow, even if Jane had no idea what the hell was standing next to the human woman.

They looked as though they were waiting for her to speak, so she finally managed, “Where…?”

“You’re on Earth,” the human, a woman so familiar Jane knew she knew her, said. “In England. Elizabeth Memorial Hospital.”

Right. Earth. That’s where Jane was from. Technically.

Part of her felt elated that she was on Earth, but the rest of her had no idea why she was so excited to be there.

Everything felt so hazy and foggy, like Jane’s brain was swimming through a mist she couldn’t see. Speaking was hard; moving was near impossible. Remembering what anything was or knowing what was going on was harder still.

Though trying to wrap her brain around anything was like trying to wrap a cloud around a rock, Jane attempted to gather more information about her situation. Somehow, she felt as though she’d been trained to do that.

She struggled to raise a hand to point at the pair at the foot of her bed, mumbling, “Who?”

The not-human…creature turned to the woman, what Jane clearly recognized as fear written all over its bony, birdlike face. It murmured something urgently in the woman’s ear, earning a wry smile from her. She replied with a less quiet, “Disorientation and temporary amnesia are common when waking from a coma. Give her time to recover.”

The woman turned back to Jane. “I am Dr. Chloe Michel, your doctor. We’ve met in the past. Do you remember me?”

Dr. Michel. That name was so familiar that Jane knew she must have heard it before. When she repeated it, her words a slurred mumble, she recognized the feel of them – she had said it, too.

“I think so,” Jane finally said. “A little.”

The doctor smiled. “Good. You saved my life in the past. Now it’s my turn.”

“Saved…your life?” Jane echoed.

“Here. This may help you remember,” Dr. Michel said, pulling a warped piece of metal from her pocket. She handed it to Jane, who weakly accepted it.

Dogtags. Somehow, Jane knew without even looking at them – she knew the weight of the tags in her hand from years of experience. She looked down and found her suspicions confirmed.

_ Shepard, Jane E. N7. Spectre. _

Memories of boot camp and N-School came flooding back. She had been so determined to become the best damn soldier out there…why?

“Who…?” Jane insisted again, pointing at the not-human, who she decided must be some kind of alien.

It – he? – looked sad, pain clear in his beady eyes. His voice was defeated as he said, “I’m Garrus Vakarian. One of your old teammates.”

“G-Garrus?” Jane repeated.

She froze. The fog swirling around her muddled mind thinned, and realization pierced through it.

Garrus. She knew that name. She knew  _ him _ .

He had been the reason she’d gone to N-School, the one who’d always been there, the one she trusted with all her heart. That name had tumbled from her lips countless times, as a child playing, as a soldier looking for her friend…as a lover.

She shot up in bed, frantically reaching for Garrus as unexplained tears pricked the corners of her eyes.

“Garrus,” Jane cried, pitifully reaching for the lover she couldn’t believe she’d forgotten.

“It’s okay, Jane. I’m here. I always will be,” Garrus soothed, sitting down beside Jane and pulling her into a gentle hug.

Jane held him as tight as she could to reassure herself that he was there, alive and well and still with her. The last time she’d seen him, he’d been half-dead from an explosion…

Memories buried in the haze of reawakening came flooding back. Jane gasped frantically, “Th-the Reapers! I…we…”

“We beat them,” Dr. Michel assured her.

“ _ You _ beat them,” Garrus amended. “Whatever you did on the Crucible, Jane, it was incredible. The Reapers are gone. We don’t ever have to worry about them again.

Whatever she did on the Crucible.

Jane let out an involuntary cry of pain, remembering exactly what she’d done on that cursed station. Anderson…the geth…EDI…

“What happened?” Jane demanded. “Synthetics…what did I do to them?”

“You don’t need to worry about that right now,” Garrus quickly said, gently rubbing Jane’s back. “Slow down. There’s plenty of time to worry about that. Let’s focus on getting you better.”

Jane shoved Garrus away as though by reflex, feeling trapped. “No! I have to know!”

Garrus looked horrified, so Dr. Michel quickly stepped in. “You’re all right, Commander. Take a moment and take some deep breaths. I need to examine you, and we can fill you in on everything you missed while I do.”

“How long was I out?” Jane asked, rubbing her head and looking at the window. Things looked in surprisingly good shape out there, considering the short duration she’d been in a coma. “Few days? Couple weeks?”

Garrus and Dr. Michel exchanged a meaningful glance. After a pause the doctor said, “…six months.”

“ _ Six months? _ ” Jane repeated, stunned.

“To say you were in bad shape is a bit of an understatement. It’s a miracle you’re alive at all. Now say ‘ahh,’” Dr. Michel replied, pressing Jane’s tongue down with a tongue depressor.

 

“Welcome home, Jane,” Garrus proclaimed, wheeling Jane’s wheelchair into their apartment on the newly-rebuilt Citadel.

“This was Anderson’s apartment, wasn’t it?” Jane asked instead, touching the doorframe as they passed through it.

“He gave it to you before the mission to take back Earth. Remember? We had a party with the whole squad beforehand,” Garrus replied.

“Yeah,” Jane agreed dully.

“What’s wrong?” Garrus asked, gently guiding Jane into the living room and sitting himself down on the couch.

“I just…miss everyone,” Jane sighed.

It had been a hard realization, remembering everyone she’d lost. Ashley, Mordin, Thane, Legion…EDI…Anderson…

She hoped that someday they’d forgive her.

“I know. I do too,” Garrus assured her. “But it’s not like you killed them, Jane. Their deaths weren’t your fault.”

“How do you know that?” Jane demanded, tears stinging her eyes yet again.

“You’re no Saren. You don’t generally go around shooting your friends,” Garrus laughed. He saw Jane’s expression and sobered. “Jane?”

“I killed Anderson. It’s my fault,” Jane’s voice broke as she admitted it.

“What?” Garrus sounded stunned.

“I…the Illusive Man…he took over my body. He made me shoot Anderson…I killed him. I killed…I killed Anderson,” Jane cried.

“Jane…that wasn’t you. That’s not your fault,” Garrus insisted. “And I know Anderson wouldn’t want you blaming yourself like this.”

“I don’t care what he would’ve wanted! He’s dead and it’s my fault!” Jane yelled, trying futilely to fight off the tears.

Garrus knelt beside Jane’s wheelchair, pulling her into a hug. He said nothing, his head resting gently on her chest, but his arms around her were enough. Jane dissolved into sobs, ashamed of what she’d done.

“Anderson…the geth…EDI…they’re all gone, because of me,” Jane sobbed. “I don’t deserve to be here.”

“Shhh,” Garrus said gently. “What you did saved billions of lives. If  _ anyone _ deserves to be here, it’s you.”

“But…” Jane countered.

“But the quarians are working on rebuilding the geth and Miranda is halfway to fixing EDI. It’ll be okay. Don’t worry about that, Jane. Just worry about getting better,” Garrus insisted.

Jane nodded, desperately trying to believe Garrus’s assertion that everything would be okay.

They had a quiet dinner together for the first time in years – spaghetti and garlic bread, Jane’s childhood favorite. Garrus broke out a bottle of asari wine he’d bought for Jane on their first mission together, cracking open his favorite Menaen brandy for himself.

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the realization that everything she’d been through with the Reapers was over, but Jane hadn’t felt this relaxed in years. She fell asleep on the couch watching Blasto with Garrus, who carefully carried her upstairs to their bedroom.

 

_ “Anderson!” _

_ Her commander turned around, staggering as he did so. He gasped, “Shepard…I can’t…” _

_ A new voice, from somewhere behind Jane, crooned, “I underestimated you, Shepard.” _

_ Though she was hunched over in agony, Jane spat, “What have –?” _

_ The Illusive Man smirked. “I warned you. Control is the means to survival. Control of the Reapers…and of you, if necessary.” _

_ “They’re controlling you!” Anderson growled. _

_ “I don’t think so, Admiral,” the Illusive Man waved him off. _

_ Jane summoned enough of her strength to snarl, “Controlling me is a lot different than controlling a Reaper.” _

_ The Illusive Man laughed. “Have a little faith.” _

_ He went on, turning back to the console, “When humanity discovered the mass relays…when we learned there was more to the galaxy than we imagined, there were some that thought the relays should be destroyed. They were scared of what we’d find, terrified of what we might let in. But look at what humanity has achieved! Since that discovery we’ve advanced more than the past ten thousand years combined!” _

_ He paused, smile growing disturbing. “And the Reapers can do the same for us again, a thousand fold! But…” _

_ The Illusive Man paused, taking a step and carefully watching Jane, who had her pistol still raised, before going on, “…only if we can harness their ability to control.” _

_ Anderson shook his head, spitting, “Bullshit. We destroy them, or they destroy us.” _

_ The Illusive Man looked horrified. “And  _ waste _ this opportunity? Never!” _

_ Jane hissed, “You’re playing with things you don’t understand. With power you shouldn’t be able to use.” _

_ The Cerberus leader laughed. “I don’t believe that. If we can control it, why shouldn’t it be ours?” _

_ Before Jane could retort, the Illusive Man looked at her, eyes crazed. “You…you’d undo everything I’ve accomplished. I won’t let that happen.” _

_ “Because of you, humanity is already undone!” Jane yelled. _

_ “This is so much bigger than you! This is bigger than all of us!” the Illusive Man yelled back. “Look at the power they wield! Look at what they can do!” _

_ He waved his hand and Jane’s finger moved of its own accord, pulling the trigger of her pistol – the pistol aimed square at Anderson. Her commander let out a pained noise as the blast hit him in the gut. _

_ “Anderson!” Jane cried. She struggled against the Illusive Man’s hold on her, clawing and fighting for enough control of her body to aim the pistol at him and fire once. _

_ The Illusive Man dropped, releasing Jane from his control. She ran to Anderson as fast as her injuries would allow, catching him as he slumped towards the ground. _

_ “Anderson, sir, are you all right?” Jane demanded. “I’m sorry!” _

_ “Shepard…how could you?” Anderson wheezed, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth. _

_ “Sir…that wasn’t me…that was the Illusive Man,” Jane pleaded. _

_ “You…could’ve fought harder…” Anderson coughed. _

_ “Sir…please…” Jane insisted, tears stinging her eyes. “I…” _

_ “Didn’t think it would end like this…” Anderson said. “Killed by my own friend.” _

_ “I…” Jane stammered. She looked down at where she had a hand pressed to Anderson’s wound – it was scarlet with her commander’s blood. “Sir…” _

_ “No excuses, Shepard. You did this,” Anderson shook his head. “You…murdered me.” _

“JANE!”

_ Jane screamed, thrashing furiously against the somehow-alive Illusive Man, whose oddly bony hands were on her shoulders. She clawed and punched and kicked, fighting desperately for her life. Not that it was worth anything…after Anderson… _

“Jane, wake up!”

_ She screamed again, still fighting. Her legs tangled in something – or were they being subdued by the Illusive Man’s power? He held her down, pinning her shoulders to the ground, though he did nothing else. _

“Jane, it’s Garrus! You’re okay!”

_ One final struggle, a punch thrown with what little strength she had left, threw the Illusive Man off of her. Jane lurched forward with the energy of her punch, rolling off the platform and down, down, down… _

Jane shot awake, chest heaving. She was on the floor of a room, tangled in something, with a terrified Garrus standing in front of her, blue blood trickling down his cheek.

“Where am I?” Jane demanded, her voice a ghost of normal.

“H-home,” Garrus stammered. “Our room.”

Jane looked around – she had somehow rolled off the bed and onto the floor. The something she was tangled in was her sheets, nothing more.

“W-what happened?” Jane asked, rubbing her head and desperately willing her heart rate to slow down.

“I don’t know,” Garrus’s voice was trembling. “You were asleep and then you started screaming. I tried to wake you up, but you just started fighting…”

…so Jane was the cause of the blood on Garrus’ cheek. She sighed, “I…don’t even know what I was dreaming about. I’m sorry, Garrus. I didn’t know that was you. I…thought you were someone trying to kill me.”

“It’s all right,” Garrus assured her, gently picking her up and placing her back in bed. “Just try to get some rest, okay? If you have another bad dream, I’m here.”

“Okay,” Jane nodded as Garrus climbed back into bed, fixed the covers, and curled up against her.

She didn’t sleep the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did my best to make Jane's nightmare/night terror as realistic to what I've learned about PTSD as possible - please forgive me if something's inaccurate.


	4. The Bludgeonings of Chance

“Well, this is it,” Garrus said, looking up at the distinctly unwelcoming facade of the building in front of them. “Ready?”

Jane looked up as well. In blood-red letters were the austere words “Darkwood Physical Rehabilitation Clinic.”

She sighed. Was she ready? Was she ready for what Dr. Michel warned her was months, potentially years of all-but-torture to get her body working with her again, and not against her?

No.

Instead she nodded. Garrus’s mandibles flared in a reassuring smile before he pushed her wheelchair inside.

The inside of the clinic was just as unwelcoming as the outside. Everything was sterile, made of a dull, polished metal, and smelled vaguely of disinfectant.

An asari receptionist greeted them with a calm, “Welcome to Darkwood. What's your name?”

Before Jane could even answer, Garrus growled, “What's her name? How the hell don't you recognize Commander Shepard? She's the reason you're alive!”

The receptionist stammered a sincere but garbled apology, quickly bringing up Jane’s info on her computer.

“Looks like you'll be seeing Dr. Mata, Commander,” the receptionist said, once she regained her ability to speak a coherent sentence. “She's very good. You’ll be back in...well, back in fighting shape in no time.”

"I don't plan on fighting anymore,” Jane said wearily. The receptionist gave her an awkward smile.

“Well, I'll go get the doctor and let her know you're here,” the receptionist said quickly, all but running from the room.

“Good start,” Garrus chuckled. “That poor asari is terrified of you.”

“ _You_ scared her first,” Jane shot right back. Garrus laughed.

“Commander, this is your doctor. Dr. Mata, this is Commander Shepard,” the receptionist said as she returned to the room.

“Of course. How could I not know _the_ Commander Shepard, savior of the Milky Way?” the human woman beside the receptionist smiled.

Jane flushed and offered a reluctant hand. “Jane is fine. Nice to meet you.”

The doctor shook her hand, firm but gentle. “Dr. Kim Mata. You may call me whatever you like.

Dr. Mata paused and went on, “And I assume your handsome friend here has a name?”

Now it was Garrus’s turn to flush. “Garrus Vakarian.”

“Ah, so you're the legendary Archangel,” Dr. Mata said. “Well, she didn't just bring you to stand there and look pretty. Please, come with me.”

Garrus pushed Jane’s wheelchair after Dr. Mata, down a maze of hallways and exam rooms full of equipment.

As they walked, Dr. Mata explained, “Our portion of the city was mostly undamaged by the Reapers. As such, we were able to rebuild quickly. Now we provide physical rehabilitation to the bulk of Alliance soldiers who survived to need it.”

“Guess that makes me lucky,” Jane managed weakly, heart sinking. How many soldiers died before she was able to save Earth?

“I may not phrase it like that, but yes,” Dr. Mata said, opening the door to a room and holding it open for Garrus and Jane. “Welcome to your room. This will be your rehab room, and no one else's, until you recover.”

“What about reporters?” Garrus demanded, thinking of how they sought a scoop on Jane, even when she was in a coma, barely clinging to life.

Dr. Mata laughed. “We have two heads of security to protect our clients from the press - they've suffered enough already. A cousin of yours, Visaeria Rexus, is immensely loyal to the two of you, and Urdnot Tanck is quite the fan of the Commander. They'll kill to keep your business safe and secure, if they must.”

Garrus let out a sigh of relief, prompting the doctor to smile. “No worries. The press will stay far away. Now, Commander, let's get started.”

The doctor led Jane through a series of mundane questions - “Date of birth?” - painful questions - “What do you remember about your injury process?” - and pointless questions - “Favorite color?” - until Jane couldn't take it anymore.

“What's the point of all these questions? You're supposed to help me get better, not talk at me like everyone else,” Jane snapped.

“Very well, we can skip to my last question. What does recovery mean to you?” Dr. Mata replied.

“What?” Jane asked, caught off guard.

“Recovery. What does being better look like to you? We can't say you've recovered without knowing what recovery means to you,” Dr. Mata clarified.

Jane hesitated, glancing at Garrus. After a moment, she said slowly, “I...want to be the way I was...before. I don't want to be dependent on anyone. I want to be strong.”

“My dear, I'm a physical therapist, not a miracle worker. You'll never be the way you were before all this. And you might be physically disabled at the moment, but don't confuse that with weakness,” Dr. Mata said firmly. “That said, we’ll get you back to the physical condition you associate with strength. That's easy enough. Have you tried walking since you were released from the hospital?”

Jane shook her head, so the doctor said, “We’ll start there then.”

Dr. Mara pulled up a set of parallel bars, saying, “We’ll use these to get you used to supporting your own weight again.”

Jane touched the bars, smiling softly. “When I lived on Earth, before we moved to Elysium, I did gymnastics. It's been a long time since I've seen a set of these bars.”

The doctor smiled as well. “Summon that childhood strength, and up you go. Garrus and I will help.”

Dr. Mata took one of Jane’s arms and Garrus took the other, lifting Jane from her wheelchair and placing her hands on the bars.

Jane steadied herself before saying shakily, “Okay. I think I can do it.”

She trembled for a moment before exclaiming joyfully, “I can stand!”

Garrus beamed at her, thrilled, but Dr. Mata looked less enthused. She said, shaking her head, “You have very strong arms, Commander. You are entirely supporting your weight with your arms alone.”

Jane looked down and realized the woman was right - her arms were straining, working to keep her upright. She loosened her grip to test herself…

...and immediately tumbled to the floor.

“What happened?” Garrus asked, lifting Jane off the ground and depositing her in her wheelchair.

Dr. Mata frowned. “There are two possibilities. One is an easy fix, and I pray that it is that. The other means a long road is ahead.”

“What are they?” Jane asked.

“The easy fix would require that your cybernetics or nerves were not repaired correctly. The long road...means that something neurological is preventing you from standing and walking.”

“What about atrophy?” Garrus demanded. “I read in a book on humans that their muscles deteriorate quickly when not in use…”

Dr. Mata shook her head. “No. With our modern treatments, we supplement IVs so that human muscle doesn't atrophy. Her arms are still strong, as we saw, so there is no reason to believe anything is physically wrong.”

“What would it mean if it wasn't my cybernetics?” Jane asked.

“Years, maybe a decade, of physical and mental therapy,” Dr. Mata said sadly. “Let me get my scanner, to ensure all your nerves were repaired correctly.”

 

It wasn't the cybernetics.

Jane sobbed the entire ride home.


	5. Black as the Pit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been over four months since I've posted this story.  
> I'm so sorry.  
> Hopefully the emotion I put into this chapter makes up for it. It's really been therapeutic to write.

Jane’s life quickly became a never-ending blur of appointments.

They all ended badly.

Garrus, to his credit, refused to admit as much. Every time she fell, he picked her up and set her back in her wheelchair. He never complained, never tallied the number of times she fell, merely picked her up once again.

Jane hated it. 

Some nights, at home, when she was so desperate for freedom that she tried to walk, he would pick her up and hold her close, as if smothering her with his patient love would somehow heal her.

In some ways, it could - it could help restore her confidence and will to live. Make her Jane Elizabeth Shepard, the battle-hardened soldier once again.

Oh, if only. If only his touch wasn’t over-gentle, if only he didn’t hold her as though she was a porcelain doll that would break if he wasn’t careful. He treated her as something small and fragile, and all that did was break her further. How could she be Commander Shepard if even Garrus didn’t believe in her strength?

She couldn’t. Garrus had been all that had gotten her through the Alliance in the first place. With his belief in her gone, she had nothing. She was a shell, a discarded toy, a ghost of what she had been. She was truly broken.

Garrus must have sensed Jane’s growing unhappiness, because her parents came to visit one day, out of the blue, in the middle of harvest season.

It had been a long, long time since Jane had seen them. Garrus had told her that they came to visit frequently when she was in the hospital, but they had been back on Elysium before she awoke. The last time Jane had seen her parents, she was eighteen, screaming at them because they had sold Garrus to spite her.

They were a welcome sight, despite that. They had changed, and her father even greeted Garrus with a smile and a hearty handshake. It made Jane smile, for the first time in months.

But they, too, doubted her. Everyone did, it seemed like. Even Dr. Mata had begun to push less hard, challenging her a little less with each appointment. It wasn’t that Jane was getting stronger, or any closer to walking again. It was just that even the doctor was beginning to recognize how futile the fight was.

Jane’s mother Hannah was all smiles and happy tears to see her baby girl “doing so much better,” and Jane didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth. Jane’s father, Joseph, said he was proud of her, and despite everything, Jane’s heart swelled with a little bit of joy. It had been a long time since she’d heard him say anything of the like.

Been a long time since she’d heard anyone say that, really. Well...anyone that was still alive. Anderson’s voice floated through her head.

“I’m proud of you, Shepard.”

Garrus was able to pass off Jane’s scream of pain as a side effect of damaged nerve endings, whisking her away to lie in bed and sob while he made small talk with her parents. 

Jane almost believed him.   
  


After her parents, it seemed like Garrus arranged a constant stream of visitors to try to soothe Jane’s pain and loneliness.

Clan Urdnot sent their regards with Bakara, Wrex, and Grunt. Grunt pulled Shepard from her wheelchair and into a ferocious hug, roaring praises for his fearless battlemaster. Wrex gave Shepard a not-so-gentle headbutt, and Bakara simply watched the displays of affection with an amused twinkle in her eyes.

When they left, Bakara confided in Jane that they’d named two of their firstborn children, the first viable krogan born after the genophage was cured, after her - Urdnot Jane and Urdnot Shepard. The third was named Urdnot Mordin, which brought tears to Jane’s eyes. He had died with honor. She almost wished she could say the same about herself.

When Bakara told her that the children were named both for the honor of their namesakes as well as their strength, Jane had to retreat to her room. In trying to bless her children with courage and resilience, Bakara had cursed them.

Jane wasn’t strong, or proud, or anything any krogan should aspire to be.

She was nothing.

 

Primarch Victus himself made an appearance about a week after the krogan left. He was still dressed in all navy blue, the turian color of mourning, and simply seeing him send a spasm of guilt through Jane.

It was her fault his son was dead.

He wouldn’t blame her, of course, and somehow that made it worse. She had taken a son from his father, from a man who had already lost his mate. Tarquin had been the last thing Adrien Victus had left, and Jane had taken him from him.

And yet, instead of cursing her the way he should, Victus had given her the Medal of Distinguished Service, the highest honor a Primarch could bestow. Garrus had accepted it on her behalf when Jane burst into tears and fled from the room as fast as her wheelchair would allow.

She didn’t deserve his praise or his kindness. Was he simply pitying her, in her miserable, broken state? No, Victus was better than that. He truly believed her a hero, despite everything she had cost him.

Somehow, that was worse.   
  


They kept coming to visit, wartime friend after friend, but none of them ever helped. Miranda, Samara, James, Jacob...they all came to see her, and all left her in worse state than before.

Kolyat came by, in memory of his father, and remembering Thane’s selfless sacrifice for her only send Jane into a spiral of depression that took a week to claw her way out of.

Admiral Hackett’s visit was the last straw, though. When he told her that they were naming a new medal, the Alliance’s highest honor, after her, Jane couldn’t take it.

She wasn’t worthy of any kind of award. Countless upon countless innocents had died because she’d been unable to save them.  _ Anderson _ had died because she had killed him. If anyone deserved the honor, it was him. Certainly not her.

Jane had shoved the medal back into a surprised Hackett’s hands before locking herself in her room for hours. Garrus had had to override the lock to bring her dinner, and even then she hadn't really wanted to eat it.

Why the hell was everyone treating her as some kind of godlike hero, when she was just a shattered remnant of the soldier she once was?

It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair.

 

Jane didn’t even get out of bed when Vestia and Solana came to visit. She had taken to sleeping most of the day, whenever Garrus wasn’t dragging her to another pointless appointment. It was nearly lunchtime when they arrived, but Jane hadn’t yet moved.

It had clearly begun to worry Garrus, because she could tell he was faking being asleep at night, and he hovered nervously by her side during the day. She wasn’t sure what he was afraid of - the doctors had done far too good a job healing her for her to suddenly succumb to her injuries, and it’s not like she could go very far.

And yet he worried. And so she, in a dull, barely-conscious way, worried about him.

Vestia and Solana had both cried upon seeing Jane’s current state. Yet, despite their pity, it was good to see them. She hadn’t seen either woman since freeing them from the batarians, and it soothed her, even if only a little, to see that Vestia had recovered from her chronic illness.

Their visit was the only one that made Jane smile for more than a fleeting moment. Vestia even got a laugh from her, telling tales of Garrus as an infant, before the First Contact War had broken out.

But they had to leave, like all the others, leaving Jane just a little more broken than she had been.

 

She had refused visitors after the Vakarians left. She refused most of her meals, too, although Garrus still forced her to her useless physical therapy.

Pretty soon, Jane thought bitterly, she was going to have to refuse that too.

There just wasn’t a point anymore.


	6. This Place of Wrath and Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: suicide/suicidal thoughts.
> 
> This chapter may be short, but it was therapeutic to write. I've been through a lot recently.

“Jane?”

She ignored the voice, pulling her blankets tighter around her.

“Jane, you need to get up.”

Again, she ignored it.

“Jane! Come on.”

Finally, reluctantly, she opened her eyes and pushed herself into a seated position. Garrus was standing next to her side of the bed, holding some of her clothes in one hand and a datapad in the other. He smiled at her. “Good, you’re awake. Let’s get you dressed. Physical therapy is in thirty minutes and we don’t want to be late.”

Even just the words “physical therapy” sent a chill down Jane’s reconstructed spine.

Three more months had gone by. Three long, painful, agonizing months. The visitors hadn’t stopped coming, and neither had the night terrors.

Nor had the pain.

It was hard to explain, how Jane felt such intense pain despite not being able to control half of her body. But Dr. Mata had certainly been right - her nerves had been repaired correctly. Every motion, every exercise at physical therapy, had caused excruciating pain. The pain onboard the Crucible had been nothing compared to this.

And yet, all that pain brought nothing. Her father had often said “no pain, no gain,” but this was all pain and no gain. There wasn’t even the slightest bit of improvement at PT, and Dr. Mata knew it.

Jane knew it, too. She hadn’t admitted it to herself before this, but today, broken beyond repair, she finally did.

She would never walk again.

“I’m not going,” she said childishly, unable to put the newfound realization into stronger words than that. How could she tell the one person who would never give up on her that she had finally given up on herself?

“Jane,” Garrus sighed. He sat down on the edge of the bed as Jane petulantly flopped back down and pulled the covers up to her neck. “You don’t mean that. Come on, let’s get you ready.”

“I’m. Not. Going,” Jane repeated, this time with more venom.

Garrus sighed again. “I know it’s hard, but…”

“What would you know?” Jane demanded, refusing to look at him.

“Okay, maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words,” Garrus sounded defeated. “But Jane, you know as well as I do that if you just keep fighting, you’ll get better.”

“And I know as well as you do that you’re lying!” Jane cried, shoving Garrus off the bed in anger. He fell to the floor with a heavy  _ thud _ , a look of shock on his face.

“I would never lie to you,” Garrus vowed.

“Then why are you lying?” Jane demanded, sitting up with unwanted tears stinging her eyes. “You’ve seen me, Garrus! You’ve seen all my appointments! You know they’re going nowhere.”

“They might not have made progress yet, Jane, but we’ll figure it out, they’ll find a way…” Garrus half-pleaded, standing back up.

Jane turned away, desperately willing the tears to not fall. She shook her head and croaked, “They’ve done everything they can.”

“Then we’ll find you some new doctors,” Garrus vowed.

“Enough with the ‘we!’” Jane all but screamed, clutching wads of the blankets in her fists.

“Do you...not want me anymore?” Garrus breathed. The hurt in his voice broke whatever was left of Jane’s heart to break. “Jane, I…”

“Of course I do!” Jane yelled, body wracked with tremors as she began to sob. “But someday you’ll get tired of this. Don’t pretend like you won’t!”

“Jane, I’d never get tired of you. I’ll never leave you,” Garrus insisted desperately. “I’ve loved you since we were children.”

“That was before all this,” Jane shook her head. “Garrus...I’m an invalid. I’m going to be until I die. Someday you’re going to get tired of carrying me to the bathroom and washing my hair and feeding me and…”

Garrus was there, rough claws wiping tears from her cheeks as he pressed his forehead to hers. “No. No I won’t.”

“Well, I am tired of it!” Jane cried, pushing him away again. Her voice broke with a harsh sob as she covered her face. “I’m so, so tired of it! I don’t want to live like this anymore!”

“And that’s why you have to keep fighting,” Garrus persisted. “Jane, it’ll get better. I promise.”

“Don’t fucking make promises you can’t keep!” Jane howled, hands twisting in her hair. “You don’t know what’ll happen! You can’t know if I’ll get better!”

“You can’t give up!” Garrus insisted. “Jane, please! Listen to yourself!”

“I am!” Jane yelled, trembling. “You don’t know what this is like! How much everything hurts, how miserable I am!”

“I would if you would talk to me anymore!” Garrus all but yelled back. “But you won’t!”

“Because you won’t listen to me! No one will!” Jane cried. “No one understands!”

“Then help me understand!” Garrus begged.

“I was a soldier! Now I’m...nothing! I’m a broken doll!” Jane sobbed. “Everything I had was taken from me. Don’t tell me to just shake it off!”

“I’m still here,” Garrus said quietly. “And I’ll never leave you.”

Jane couldn’t take it anymore, letting out an agonized scream as she hugged herself tightly. Why couldn’t Garrus understand? Why  _ wouldn’t _ he understand? After everything they had been through together, after all these years, could he truly not see how pathetic and miserable her life was?

“What can I do?” Garrus pleaded, trying to soothe her. “What can I do? What should I do?”

“You should have let me die!” Jane screamed, green eyes wild as they met Garrus’s blue.

Garrus took a step back at the force of Jane’s desperate proclamation, horror written clearly all over his face. “J-Jane…”

“You heard me!” Jane shrieked, hands turning into claws as she held onto herself desperately. “You’re the reason I’m still alive, Garrus! I heard you when...when I was deciding whether to live or die! And you should have just let me fucking die!”

“I…” Garrus managed. He tried to speak, taking a few more steps back, and instead turned and fled from the room.

 

The night terrors came back in full force that night.

They were worse than ever, the faces of those who had died mercilessly taunting Jane.

She screamed the whole night, thrashing and clawing desperately at her wrists as if that would solve anything. Garrus cowered outside the bedroom door, paralyzed with fear.

Jane had never felt so alone.


	7. Captain of My Soul

“I am glad you could join us, Garrus. It has been too long,” Liara said as Garrus sat down at her and Tali’s table in the Zakera Cafe.

“Thanks for inviting me. I...needed some time out of the house,” Garrus nodded, subdued.

“We’ve missed you. It is good to see you again,” Tali said.

“Aww, you  _ do _ care,” Garrus tried for a weak bit of humor to mask his downcast mood. Liara and Tali were smart, though, and both gave him skeptical looks. Well, he assumed Tali did - it was hard to tell through the helmet.

“These past few months must have been difficult for you,” Liara commented.

“Liara, the past few  _ years _ have been difficult for me,” Garrus scowled. “The past few  _ decades _ , actually.”

“You always get sarcastic when you’re hiding something, Garrus,” Tali all but accused. “What’s wrong?”

“Everything’s peachy,” Garrus shook his head. He paused. “I think that’s what the human expression is. It’s all fine.”

“If it were fine, we would have seen you or Shepard by now,” Liara said.

“How is Shepard doing?” Tali asked.

There it was, the topic he had been dreading. Garrus had hoped to avoid it for longer.

He opened his mouth to say something snide, but hesitated. Should he be honest about the depths of Jane’s despair, how he had called Admiral Hackett to “visit” Jane while he got lunch with Tali and Liara? How he only slept when Jane had visitors, how the mere thought of leaving her out of sight for a second now made his heart pound? Tali and Liara  _ were _ two of Jane’s closest friends...but was it worth worrying them as well?

Yes. They deserved to know.

“Not well,” Garrus admitted, voice thin. “She’s...hopeless. Completely given up.”

“I had feared as much,” Liara sighed. “Shepard is used to being a strong leader. Having to completely rely on others for everything must be weighing heavily on her.”

“Has she made any progress?” Tali asked.

Garrus shook his head. “She’s in constant pain but isn’t any closer to walking again. Dr. Mata told me it’s all in her head - there’s nothing physical blocking her from walking. We just can’t seem to get past what’s dragging her down.”

“Has she seen a therapist?” Liara asked. “Goddess knows she has been through enough to need one.”

“No. She won’t go see one. Jane’s always gotten through hard times on her own. She doesn’t believe they can help,” Garrus sighed. “I can’t even get her to go to physical therapy anymore.”

“She  _ has _ given up, then,” Tali murmured, sad. “Can we do anything to help?”

“I don’t think so. It’s a miracle she let Hackett see her today. She doesn’t really want to do much besides lie in bed,” Garrus said.

“Severe depression,” Liara commented. “A common human condition. Treatable, but dangerous."

“Yeah,” Garrus nodded. “I’ve done a lot of research on that in the past few months. I just...don’t know what can be done if she won’t see a professional. I can’t make her go, but...she needs to go.”

The three were quiet for a long time.

Finally Tali said, “Shepard is my captain. We have to do something for her. She would have died for any of us; it is time we do something in return.”

“All those suicidal missions don’t count?” Garrus asked, almost amused.

“This is serious, Garrus,” Tali snapped. “We have to do something to save Shepard.”

“There’s only so much we  _ can _ do,” Garrus sighed. “We can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to...and right now, that’s pretty much everything.”

“Perhaps. But we can surprise her,” Liara said.

“Do you have an idea, Liara?” Tali asked.

“An inkling of one, yes,” Liara nodded. “Garrus, tell me more about Shepard’s mental state.”

Garrus winced, not wanting to talk about the hopelessness and despair he’d seen Jane wear like armor in recent months. Eventually he said reluctantly, “It’s bad. Real bad. She thinks she’s worthless because she can’t do all the impossible things the old Jane Shepard could. Rejecting medals and honors, refusing visitors...it’s like she just wants to curl up and wither away. She hasn’t even eaten more than a meal a day recently. I’m...I’m scared, guys. And you know me. I don’t admit that easily.”

Liara was thoughtful for a long moment. “She thinks she is worthless because she is not physically the soldier she once was.”

“Yeah, that’s the gist of it,” Garrus nodded. “Being in a wheelchair...to her, she’d rather have died than been like this for the rest of her life.”

“It won’t be the rest of her life!” Tali insisted. “You said yourself that it’s a mental block. We just need to somehow get through that block, yes?”

“Yes, my thoughts exactly,” Liara said.

“If you have any ideas, I’m all ears. I’ve tried thinking of everything, and nothing’s worked,” Garrus sighed. He felt an unwanted tear slip down his scarred cheek. “I’m losing her, if I haven’t lost her already.”

“Keelah. I’m sorry, Garrus. This has been hard on you, too,” Tali murmured, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. “We’ll get you through this.  _ Both _ of you.”

“Yes,” Liara nodded. “Shepard is the kind of leader that made a crew feel like family. We will take care of each other as such.”

All three fell quiet again. Liara went on, “I have...a wisp of an idea, just a fragment. But I believe it may help.”

“What is it?” Tali asked.

“If we are to help Shepard through her mental block, she needs to see herself as Commander Shepard again. Right now, she sees herself as nothing, and that must be remedied,” Liara said.

“But how?” Garrus asked.

“I am...not sure,” Liara admitted.

“Who has come to visit her?” Tali asked Garrus.

“Just about everyone from the war. Primarch Victus, Hackett, the Urdnot, the old crew, Kolyat…” Garrus listed.

“But no one she didn’t know?” Tali continued.

“...why would strangers come to visit her?” Garrus replied, confused.

“Because she saved their lives!” Tali sounded offended. “She doesn’t realize the impact of what she did. Keelah, she doesn’t realize anything. How many lives she saved, how many people worship her name.”

Garrus shook his head. “Even if she’d known, she probably wouldn’t want to see it. She doesn’t think she deserves the recognition.”

“That’s Shepard for you,” Liara said sadly. “Unwilling to take credit for the wondrous things she’s done.”

“What if we could make her see, though?” Tali asked. “Show her the lives she saved, let her meet the people who still see her the way she needs to see herself?”

“Yes, that is brilliant,” Liara agreed. “Have those she saved tell the stories of how the great Commander Shepard rescued them. It would remind her of all she’s done, of all she could still do.”

“It would have to be familiar faces, at least,” Garrus chimed in. “The soldiers from Thessia, Kal’Reegar, Aralakh Company...people she would remember. Those stories would matter more. We all know she saved billions of lives by stopping the Reapers, but that’s hard to really picture.”

The two women nodded. Liara said, “I will begin to contact those who live because of Shepard. Surely they will be willing to do this small thing for her, to help save  _ her _ life.”

“Shepard isn’t going to want to come to a big banquet like what we’re planning. What should we tell her?” Tali asked.

“I’ll tell her we’re getting the crew back together to relive the good old days over dinner. She might not want to come to that, but she would,” Garrus said. “When are we doing this?”

“Give me a month to contact enough people,” Liara said.

“I will see to the rest of the preparations,” Tali nodded. “That should be enough time.”

“What about me?” Garrus asked.

“Keep Shepard alive until then,” Tali replied, sadly and simply. “You may have the hardest job, but it is the most important.”

Garrus nodded. “I’ll do it. I’d do anything for Jane.”

“She is lucky to have a bondmate as loyal as you, Garrus,” Liara said. “Most would have given up by now.”

“I’m not most,” Garrus chuckled darkly. “I’d follow her into hell itself. Already have. Multiple times.”

This brought a laugh from the two women. Tali said, “And so we will again. We’ll follow her into the hell she’s living, and pull her out.”

Garrus raised his glass of water for a toast. “To the good old days, and to Jane.”

“To Shepard,” the two women agreed, clinking their glasses with his.

“May this heal her heart,” Liara added.

“Keelah se’lai,” Tali agreed.

When Garrus returned to the apartment, he kissed Jane over and over and even convinced her to watch  _ Fleet and Flotilla  _ with him for the first time. It had been years since he’d felt this feeling.

Hope.


	8. Shall Find Me Unafraid

“Remind me why we’re doing this?” Jane grumbled as Garrus helped her towel off after her shower.

“Your friends want to see you,” Garrus said, ruffling Jane’s hair. “Is that so hard to believe? We all went through a lot together, and they wanted to finally celebrate the war being over. With the whole crew there.”

“We’ll never have the whole crew here,” Jane sighed. “That went out the window on Virmire, when Ash died.”

Garrus was quiet a moment. Though he knew the pretense of a dinner with friends was false, he knew how much losing teammates meant to Jane. It tore her apart that not one, but four of her crew, and her commander, had died in the war. He finally said, “I don’t know about humans, but turians believe the spirits can walk the places they did in life. We just can’t see them. All of the crew was on the Citadel at some point or another - that means they’ll be able to be at dinner with us, even if we can’t see them. They’re there in spirit.”

This, to his great surprise, brought a sad smile to Jane’s lips. “You always know what to say, Garrus.”

No, no he didn’t. If he always knew what to say, Jane wouldn’t have had her meltdown a month ago, wouldn’t have wished to be dead. Garrus forced a smile in return and said, “I do my best. Come on, let’s get you dressed.”

He carried Jane into their room, where he’d laid out her Alliance dress blues. She looked puzzled upon seeing them. “My dress blues? Why so fancy, if it’s just the old crew? They’ve seen me in a lot worse than this.”

“It’s a nice restaurant,” Garrus lied easily. “We’re all dressing up.”

“Can’t we just go to the Zakera Cafe?” Jane sighed. “I don’t want to put these old things on. They’re useless. Might as well be Prothean relics.”

“Just appease your old boyfriend,” Garrus pleaded, pressing a kiss to Jane’s still-wet hair. “Please?”

“Fine,” Jane mumbled, sinking back into the new normal Jane, the quiet, reserved, miserable Jane. Garrus tried to hide his disappointment. There had been the briefest of shining moments where Jane had smiled, had seemed happy, or something like it...and now she was back in the dark depths Garrus couldn’t seem to reach.

Garrus helped her into the uniform, dried her hair, and dressed himself before hailing a cab for them. Jane was quiet the whole cab ride, picking at stray threads on her dress blues, while Garrus prayed fervently to his father that this would work. Spirits, it needed to work. He didn’t know what else to do.

If this plan failed, he was going to lose Jane forever.

When the cab pulled up at the banquet hall, Garrus held up a strip of cloth and said, “Your crew wanted to give you a surprise when we get inside. So they wanted me to blindfold you until it’s ready.”

Jane scowled. “Really? Can’t we just appease them with a nice dinner and go home?”

“It’s been a long time since some of them have seen you. C’mon, make ‘em happy. I promise I won’t let them play any pranks on you,” Garrus pleaded, turning on the charm.

“Fine,” Jane sighed. Garrus blindfolded her, carried her out of the cab and into her wheelchair, and pushed her instead.

He had to bite back a gasp of surprise at the state of the banquet hall. Liara and Tali had truly outdone themselves - it was a massive venue, and every table was packed full of people of all different races. Banners in N7 colors decked the walls, and a small raised dais with a podium had been prepared. A little table reserved for Jane and Garrus, along with the rest of Jane’s companions, was closest to the dais.

Liara greeted them silently at the door, dressed in a beautiful, high-necked gown, with Tali at her side. The women led way to the dais, Garrus pushing Jane’s wheelchair behind them. When the asari nodded at him, Garrus asked, “Ready to see your surprise, sweetheart?”

“Let’s get this over with,” Jane grumbled.

Garrus untied the fabric, letting it fall into Jane’s lap. She opened her eyes and blinked, confused, before asking hesitantly, “Garrus, what is this?”

“Your surprise,” Garrus replied truthfully.

“I...don’t understand,” Jane said slowly, trying to wrap her brain around it.

“We thought you may want to see the fruits of your labors,” Liara said, putting a gentle hand on Jane’s shoulder. With her free hand, she gestured at the packed room. “Every soul in here is alive because of you, and you alone.”

“I…” Jane started, then stopped, still clearly shocked.

“Colonists from Horizon and Zhu’s Hope,” Tali said. “Commandos from Thessia. Aralakh Company. The Council. The quarian Admiralty Board. The Cerberus crew of the Normandy. So many others. They all live because of you and your actions, Shepard. Hundreds of lives, owed all to you.”

“You guys were there too,” Jane croaked, tears welling in her eyes. “It wasn’t just me that saved their lives.”

“You were the commander. All the decisions that saved them were  _ yours _ , not ours,” Garrus said.

“I…” Jane mumbled again, eyes wide as she took in the scene and her friends’ words. Was it...was it truly her doing that this many people were alive? No, it couldn’t be. It had been a team effort to stop the Collectors and the Reapers, even the Thorian on Zhu’s Hope. None of it was her doing alone.

“Shepard!” a voice cried from the crowd. Grunt stood up from among his men, his massive form towering over the sitting crowd. “Battlemaster!”

The whole crowd turned to look at Grunt before looking at the dais, finally noticing the group that had quietly entered. Then, applause. Again the whole crowd turned, to find Councilor Sparatus standing and clapping for Jane.

Grunt joined in with fervent applause, roaring at his company to rise and do the same. Slowly, the quiet conversations ceased and were replaced with more and more of the guests standing and clapping for Shepard.

The krogan began a chant of “She-pard! She-pard!” and many of the guests joined in.

Jane burst into tears, turning as if to go, but this time Garrus blocked her path. He knelt in front of her and said quietly, “Jane, look. Look around. All these people are here for you. They believe in you.”

“They’re wrong,” Jane croaked. “I’m...not the Shepard they knew. She died on the Citadel.”

“They don’t care,” Garrus shook his head. “You’re still you. And you saved their lives.”

“I…” Jane tried to argue.

“...are going through a hard time. The hardest. But look, Shepard. They believe in you. They believe you can do this, just like they believed you could stop the Collectors and the Reapers,” Liara said.

“ _ We _ believe in you,” Tali added.

Jane let out an anguished sob, dampening the crowd’s mood for only a moment before Grunt roared, “It takes a brave soldier to cry, Shepard! This is why I am proud to call you my battlemaster!”

The crowd cheered in agreement, only speeding up the flow of Jane’s tears. She sobbed, “Garrus, I want to go home. Get me out of here. I don’t deserve this.”

“We’ve only just gotten started, sweetheart. Come on, let’s get some food into you. You’ll feel better,” Garrus reassured her, pushing her wheelchair down the ramp, off the dais, and to their table.

Jane continued to protest and cry. Liara gestured to someone in the crowd and Councilor Sparatus came forward, taking a spot behind the podium on the dais. He cleared his throat and said, “We came together today to honor and celebrate Commander Shepard. And I feel, in many ways, none are able to celebrate her more than the turian people. Even her own people do not, and cannot venerate her as we have.”

Garrus squeezed Jane’s hand, smiling at her with the crooked, scarred smile she loved so much. She wiped tears from her eyes and listened to Sparatus, even if she knew he was wrong. She didn’t deserve this kind of hero-worship.

Sparatus went on, “The Commander was a young girl when she first encountered the slavery of my people. She was powerless to prevent her family from purchasing a slave, but as she grew older she took a stand against my people’s enslavement, rescuing countless turians from batarian slavers. It is because of her courage and Spectre status that the Council accepted turians as a Council race and gave me my position. It is because of her leadership that Palaven was freed from the Reapers. The turians owe everything to Commander Shepard. I do not think it a stretch to say I speak for all my people when I say she will be venerated long into the future.”

Tears returned to Jane’s eyes. Did the turians really see her like this? Even still, even despite everything? No...it wasn’t possible.

As if he could read her thoughts, Sparatus finished by meeting Jane’s watery eyes and saying, “Commander. I cannot imagine how hard this past year has been for you. You survived the fight for all our lives against the Reapers, only to have to fight for your own life against your body. But I assure you of this: whether or not your body recovers, whether or not your life every truly returns to normal, you are, and always will be, a hero. To the turians and to everyone in this room. To everyone in this galaxy. Please, do not ever doubt that.”

Jane nodded weakly. He...truly believed that. He truly believed she was a hero, still was, despite everything. Could it be true?

Countless representatives of countless races gave grand speeches, though none were quite as heartfelt as Sparatus’s. Humans, asari, salarians, krogan, hanar, drell, turians...even a batarian spoke to honor Jane. Grunt’s speech in particular warmed Jane’s heart, though it seemed to make more than a few of the other guests uncomfortable.

When Grunt was done speaking, Liara asked, “Commander, do you have anything you’d like to say?”

Jane looked up at her friend, startled. “I...uh…”

“Come on, sweetheart,” Garrus urged gently. “You gave so many rousing talks before battles during the war. You can give a little thank-you speech.”

Jane nodded, so Garrus pushed her wheelchair up to the podium on the dais. She began slowly, “I...er...thank you, everyone. For coming to this. It...means a lot to me.”

The crowd was silent, expectant, waiting for her to continue. Jane took a breath and went on, voice stronger, “The past months have been the hardest of my life. I...I’d rather fight a Reaper barehanded than go through this again. And I’ll admit...I’d given up. But seeing you all...seeing lives I helped save, hearing what you had to say...it’s helped. Thank you. I don’t have any words as pretty as the ones we heard tonight, but thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Grunt began the applause the moment Jane stopped speaking, roaring his approval so violently that an asari near him fainted. He began another chant of “She-pard! She-pard!” and this time the entire crowd joined in.

Jane smiled. A real, actual smile, for the first time in months. Garrus felt some of his worries and tension slip away at that beautiful, perfect sight, felt tears sting his eyes with joy.

 

They stayed at the banquet for hours after Jane’s speech, talking with many of the people who had come out to it. When Jane started to doze in her wheelchair between meet-and-greets, Garrus knew it was time to go home. To his great surprise, Jane protested, wanting to stay longer.

When they got home, Garrus helped Jane out of her dress blues and into her pajamas, tucking her into bed before he went to get himself cleaned up. Jane mumbled, already half-asleep, “Garrus?”

“Yeah?” he asked, pausing in the doorway to the bathroom.

“There’s a physical therapy appointment scheduled for tomorrow, right?” Jane asked.

“Yes,” Garrus nodded, feeling the worry creep back up to clutch his heart with its sinister fingers.

“I want to go,” Jane said drowsily.

Before Garrus could say anything else, Jane fell asleep.

He shut himself in the bathroom and sobbed tears of relief and indescribable happiness.

Jane Shepard had come back to him.


	9. Bloody, but Unbowed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW!
> 
> Somehow this sweet chapter turned into smut, and I don't really know how. Enjoy the second chapter today, written to avoid working on my National Novel Writing Month novel!
> 
> (if the smut's bad, I'm sorry...it's only the second time I've ever written it)

“Commander,” the asari at the front desk said, sounding surprised. “You’re back.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Jane nodded as Garrus wheeled her into the waiting room.

“It’s been over a month since you’ve made an appointment,” the receptionist said, pulling up Jane’s records. “Is everything alright?”

“Just had a bit of a rough month,” Garrus said, not entirely untruthfully. “But we’re happy to be back.”

“I’ll let Dr. Mata know you’re here,” the receptionist said.

Minutes later, Jane’s doctor came into the waiting room, looking surprised and hesitant. “Commander. It’s been a while. Ready to try again?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Jane said, more strength in her voice than there had been in months. “I’m ready to win, this time.”

Dr. Mata’s pensive expression morphed into a smile. “Good. That’s what I like to hear. Let’s head back to your room.”

Garrus wheeled Jane along the familiar halls to Jane’s reserved therapy room before helping Dr. Mata set up the parallel bars. Truth be told, he was nervous. Jane’s demeanor had done a complete turnaround after the banquet, but he wasn’t sure how long - or even if - it was going to last.

“This won’t be easy, remember,” Dr. Mata warned. “We made very little progress in months. While I am thrilled to see your newfound enthusiasm, I don’t want it to be dampened by reality. If you are to walk again, you must be persistent. It is a slow burn, not a flashbang.”

“I know,” Jane nodded. “But I’ve done harder things than learning to walk. And this time, I’m not going to run away. I’m going to stand and face this, the way I should have from the beginning.”

Dr. Mata smiled at Garrus, saying, “I’m not sure what you did to her, Archangel, but you’ve worked nothing short of a miracle.”

“It wasn’t me,” Garrus said modestly. “It was a team effort.”

“He does that,” Jane said. “He works miracles all the time. That’s why I keep him around.”

Dr. Mata laughed, while Garrus stared at Jane as if he’d seen a ghost. Humor? From Jane? Spirits, could it be? It had been almost a year since Jane had cracked a joke. The banquet truly had worked a miracle.

“Well, let’s get you up, Commander,” Dr. Mata said.

Garrus lifted Jane from the wheelchair, waiting until she had her hands braced on the parallel bars before he let go. Much like the first day of physical therapy, Jane held herself upright, body trembling from the exertion. Dr. Mata frowned, “Commander, much like our first appointment, you are supporting your weight with your arms alone.”

“I know,” Jane nodded. She took a deep breath, steeling herself. “I’m Jane Shepard. Hero of the Citadel, first human Spectre, breaker of the turians’ chains, and defeater of the Reapers. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.”

“I know you can,” Garrus added.

Jane let go of the bars with one hand, nearly falling before she caught herself before pulling herself back up to a standing position. Her legs shook like leaves, weak from months of disuse, but they seemed to be holding some of her weight.

“I can do this,” Jane said again, squeezing her eyes shut before letting go of the bar with her other hand.

“I don’t believe it,” Dr. Mata gasped.

Jane was standing.

All on her own.

Garrus felt his heart swell with pride. He had known all along that Jane could do it, that the only thing holding her back was the demons in her own mind. And here she was, demons exorcised, standing. All of her own power.

Jane opened her eyes, clearly surprised that she hadn’t fallen hard onto the mat, the way she always did. She looked down, saw her trembling legs holding her up, and burst into happy tears.

“I can stand!” Jane sobbed. “I did it!”

“You certainly did, Commander,” Dr. Mata smiled. “This is amazing progress, so suddenly. I can scarcely believe it.”

“It hurts,” Jane admitted, tears starting to slow. “It hurts so much.”

“Your muscles haven’t been used in close to a year. Of course they’ll hurt. We’ll have to build the strength in them back up again. Between the strength you once had and your Cerberus cybernetics, you should have no trouble rebuilding the muscle in your legs,” Dr. Mata said.

“Can I try to walk?” Jane asked quietly.

“You may, though you may not be successful,” Dr. Mata warned. “Please don’t let any failures on that front overshadow today’s success. You beat the odds, overcame your paralysis, and stood again. You are nothing short of incredible.”

Jane nodded, steeled herself again, and took a tiny, faltering step forward. She stumbled but recovered, standing proud and tall, like the soldier she had been.

Like the soldier she was again.

Garrus ran to her, throwing his arms around her and swinging her around in a circle, both of them laughing like when they were children and times were so much more innocent. He put his forehead to hers and said, “You’re amazing, Jane.”

“I wouldn’t be here if not for you,” Jane replied, putting gentle hands to his mandible and kissing him. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Garrus said.

“I think this is enough progress for a day, don’t you?” Dr. Mata asked. “I will see you in a few days, Commander, Garrus. Try not to celebrate  _ too _ much.”

 

Oh, how they celebrated. As soon as Garrus pushed Jane’s wheelchair inside their apartment, she pushed herself out of it, latching onto Garrus and showering him with kisses. He pulled her as close as he could, held her tight, as he lavished her bare neck with gentle bites and kisses.

“Garrus,” Jane gasped, pressing her forehead to his. “Garrus, I love you more than anything.”

“I love you too,” Garrus rumbled back, hoping Jane could hear his subvocals of  _ want _ and  _ need _ and  _ mine _ . “More than anything in the whole damn galaxy.”

Jane practically purred in delight, pressing a rose-petal-soft kiss to his mandible. She went on, “You’ve always been here. Even when I didn’t want anyone here. I’d have died if you weren’t here.”

“And that’s why I stayed. I’ll never leave,” Garrus vowed. “I love you too much. You’re stuck with me.”

Jane laughed, throwing her head back, giving Garrus another opportunity to gently latch onto the soft skin there, working it with his sandpaper tongue. She was going to kill him in the morning for the trail of bruises down her neck, but for now, the noises she was making were worth it.

“Garrus,” Jane gasped again, this time clawing at Garrus’s shirt, reaching for the clasps holding it on. “Garrus, I need you.”

Despite everything, despite the rush of blood that shifted his plates a little, Garrus laughed. “Jane, we just found out you can walk again. Let’s not risk anything today.”

“We risked everything for the fucking galaxy,” Jane said crossly, continuing to work at Garrus’s shirt. “I think we can risk that.”

“I’m not going to risk seeing you the way you have been again,” Garrus shook his head, setting Jane down. Her legs trembled before they steadied, holding her up. Spirits, he loved seeing her on her feet again, even if she barely came up to his cowl.

She looked shocked and hurt by his words, before saying, “Garrus, I’m better because of you. I...I won’t ever be that hopeless again. Because of you.”

He still turned away. “I couldn’t help you when you were like that. I...I can’t bear to see you that hopeless again.”

Jane gently turned his head to face her again. “Garrus. I have you, and I won’t lose sight of that again. I promise.”

Spirits, he loved her. It never ceased to amaze him how the littlest thing reminded him of that, how the fire in her green eyes made his heart pound, how the red blush across her freckled cheeks made his plates shift.

Caution be damned. He needed her, just as she needed him.

He growled, a predatory sound to match his mood, as he picked up Jane and pinned her against the wall, pressing rough turian kisses to her cherry-red lips. She moaned, arching her back to press herself harder against him, and that was all the motivation he needed.

Garrus picked her up again, Jane wrapping her newly-functional legs around his narrow waist, and carried her into the bedroom, all but throwing her down on the bed.

Jane was laughing, a beautiful, joyous sound. When she saw the fire in Garrus’s blue eyes she purred, “Throwing caution to the wind, soldier?”

He stripped off his shirt - it was barely clinging to him anyway, thanks to Jane’s handiwork - and walked over to the bed, standing over Jane, barely able to control his desire.

But then, just for a moment, he saw her sprawled on the bed and thought of all the times she’d looked the same way because she’d been unable to control her lower half. He felt dirty and took a step back, causing worry to shoot across Jane’s face.

“Garrus?” Jane asked, propping herself up. “Are you okay?”

“A-are you sure you’re ready for this?” Garrus asked, all his previous bluster gone. “I don’t want to hurt you…”

“I am,” Jane replied fiercely. She quieted, though, and said, “I-if you don’t want to, I don’t  blame you, but…”

And that was all it took. Garrus lowered himself to the bed until he was on top of Jane, pressing the softest kisses he could down her already-bruised neck. He purred, “I will never, ever not want you.”

Jane smiled a crooked smile, sending Garrus’s heartbeat skittering. Oh, how he loved her, wanted her,  _ needed _ her. He gasped, “Jane, I need you.”

“I’m here,” Jane said, pressing her body against his again. “Let go, Garrus. I’ll catch you.”

With a predatory growl, he latched his claws in the hem of Jane’s shirt and tore it open, shredding the soft fabric and the bra underneath. Garrus ignored Jane’s protests regarding the price of the clothes, instead palming Jane’s smooth breasts. She let out a small, “oh!” and her protests died, replaced with a groan and mumbled demands for more.

Garrus acquiesced, taking a hard nipple in his mouth - oh so careful to mind his sharp teeth - and sucking hard. Jane’s whole body arched and she moaned, squirming underneath him. Her voice high with need, she demanded, “More, Garrus, please…”

He couldn’t say no. Garrus reluctantly let go of Jane’s breast, yanked her pants and panties down in one fell swoop, and put her knees over his shoulders. She moaned in anticipation, toes curling as she begged for Garrus to give her what she needed.

Garrus pulled her closer, his mandibles brushing against her slick thighs, his heavy breaths torment on Jane’s oversensitive nerves. They stayed that way a moment, Garrus taking in everything - the sickly-sweet smell of sweat and sex, the blissful yet impatient expression on Jane’s face - before he went to work with his long tongue.

Jane cried out as Garrus pushed his tongue inside her, hips bucking, only pushing him deeper inside. There was something about his rough-soft tongue that did amazing things to Jane, made her mewl and cry and beg for more.

“Ohhhhhh, oh, fuck,” Jane babbled, hooking her heels behind Garrus’s head, forcing him even closer. “Y-you’re so, s-so goo - ahhh!”

Garrus swirled his tongue around the swollen nub outside her opening, the one that had given her so much pleasure the only other time they’d had sex. She screamed her pleasure, losing all coherency other than, “F-fuck, Garrus!”

This time, Garrus was going to make her come through the power of his mouth alone. He’d decided. Jane had stopped him last time, insisted they lose their virginities tangled up together, but that ship had sailed.

“If you want more, you’ve got to ask,” he growled, pulling back.

Jane wasn’t in the mood for games, sharply pulling his head back down with her locked-together ankles. She growled, “I haven’t gotten laid in almost two years, Garrus. I want you to fuck me till I scream. And then again, and again.”

Garrus’s pants suddenly felt too tight as his plates shifted for his raging erection. So much for that plan.

He was nothing if not a stubborn bastard though, pulling Jane even closer and thrusting hard with his tongue. She cried out again, hips thrusting and rocking, practically fucking herself on his tongue. Jane rode Garrus’s mouth that way as he teased and tormented her, before she finally gasped, “G-Garrus, I’m s-so c-close. Please…”

Garrus never had been able to say no when she asked. He returned his attention to the nub that gave her so much pleasure, rubbing and licking and ravishing it.

Jane howled her pleasure, hands turned to claws in the mattress. Words were beyond her; she babbled nonsense mixed with moans, her cries crescendoing as she neared her climax.

One final motion of Garrus’s tongue broke Jane and she came, her legs locking hard around Garrus’s neck, her body shivering with tremors as she rode out her orgasm.

When the convulsions slowed and Jane sunk bonelessly into the mattress, Garrus released her, gently laying her legs down on the bed. Jane managed, “That was incredible.”

“The night’s still young,” Garrus gave her a toothy grin.

“So are you,” Jane teased, looking up at Garrus with a teasing glint in her blissful eyes. “Got something in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?”

Garrus couldn’t resist laughing at the terrible line as Jane sat up, practically pouncing on Garrus, her turn to pin him to the bed.

“You’re wearing too many clothes,” she purred, unlatching his pants and pulling them down to his ankle spurs. “There. That’s better.”

Incredulous, Garrus demanded, “You’re already ready to go again?”

“No. But you are,” Jane smirked, nodding at Garrus’ painfully hard erection. “Let me show you some famous human hospitality, big guy. Now that my legs are working again, I can get on my knees.”

Garrus’s head spun.

He’d dreamed of this once - the wet dream that had lead to their first time - but  _ fuck _ if he ever thought it would happen in reality. Jane nudged him to the edge of the bed before standing up.

Spirits, she was beautiful. Even despite the scars she had here and there where her synthetic skin hadn’t quite blended with her real skin, even despite the bullet wounds and battle scars, she was perfect. Perfect and perfectly bared, just for him. Knowing that he’d be the only man to see Jane like this was overwhelming, if he was perfectly honest.

Jane didn’t give him much time to overthink, though. She knelt between his spread knees, ran a calloused hand up and down his length, and smiled at him before taking him in her mouth.

He nearly came right there and then like an inexperienced fledgling.

Jane’s mouth was hot, her surprisingly dextrous tongue running up the length of his cock, swirling around the head, teasing him, taunting him. Garrus threaded a hand through her fire-red hair, holding her close but not too tight.

She bobbed up and down his length for a time, sending warmth pooling down to his belly. Even this, this simple gesture, was going to make him come soon enough.

But then.

But. Then.

Jane ran her blunt teeth just so against his cock, sending shockwaves up his body. He bucked against her, thrusting against her mouth; somehow she took it in stride, not once hesitating or gagging. Spirits, she was good at  _ everything! _

“Jane,” Garrus moaned, his free hand clenching, tearing the sheets he held.

Even with his dick in her mouth, Jane managed a crooked smile, making Garrus’s heart flutter. That was  _ his _ Jane,  _ his _ bondmate, with her lips wrapped around him. The thought made blood rush down to his groin, pushing him even closer to the edge.

She ran her teeth along him again, her hand and mouth working furiously, and that was all he could take.

“I’m - ” he tried to warn her as he came. He came hard and fast, hand in her hair holding her still as he thrust against her, before he collapsed to the bed, utterly spent.

Jane, to her credit, didn’t complain, simply wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and climbing back up on the bed to lie beside him. He put an arm around her, holding her close, purring with pleasure and the afterglow from his orgasm.

“Somewhere up there, Mordin’s laughing at the anaphylaxis I’m going to have,” Jane commented, her voice an indescribable mix of sorrow, pleasure, and amusement. “I’d best go get at Epi-Pen.”

Garrus didn’t say anything, releasing his grip on her so she could get up and take the medicine she needed to prevent the allergic reaction she was bound to have.

She was back in a moment, curling up against his side. She murmured, tracing his plates with an idle finger, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Garrus rumbled back, his own fingers tracing the bondmark he’d left on her the first time they’d made love. “You know, I left a bondmark on you. You said you’d return the favor next time.”

“The night’s still young,” Jane replied simply. Garrus laughed.

They lay there a while, quiet, before Garrus said, “Jane, you have no idea how happy it makes me to see you happy again. Sex aside - and it’s great, by the way - I’ve seen you smile more today than I have since before we went through the Omega-4 Relay. You don’t know what that means to me.”

Jane was quiet before she replied, “And yet you’ve been here with me through it all. Garrus, I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve someone better than me. But I’m not complaining,” Garrus said.

“You’ve cared for me through everything and despite everything. I can’t ask for someone better than that. You never gave up on me, even when I’d given up on myself. You’re worth more than all the credits in the galaxy, Garrus Vakarian,” Jane replied, pressing an angel-soft kiss to Garrus’s scarred mandible.

“I’ll never give up on you,” Garrus promised.

“And I’ll never give up on myself again,” Jane said.

They made promises and said sweet nothings long into the night, some while tangled together, some while curled beside each other, some in the throes of passion, but they meant all of them with every fiber of their beings.

That night, as they drowsed beside each other, they knew that finally, finally, everything was going to be okay.


	10. My Unconquerable Soul

“Commander, I believe that’s a wrap,” Dr. Mata said, watching Jane run laps around her treatment room. It had been a long several months as Jane regained the muscle in her legs - their night of lovemaking aside, Jane had been relatively immobile for several weeks after rediscovering her ability to walk. Garrus joked - generally, but not always, privately - that he’d screwed her so hard and well that she needed a month to recover. Jane vowed to get revenge by shooting him in the back with a close-quarters beanbag round the next time they trained.

Jane jogged over to the doctor, only slightly out of breath. She hadn’t felt this alive in a long time, this strong and free. Jane asked, “You think, doc?”

“I’ve been running diagnostic scans on you throughout our appointment today. There is nothing more I can do for you - I believe you have made a complete physical recovery from your injuries,” Dr. Mata nodded. She smiled. “It has been a pleasure to meet and work with you, Commander. Please, stay well, and stay in touch.”

Jane and Garrus shook the doctor’s hand and fervently thanked her before making their way out of the clinic to the Presidium.

“Well, now what?” Jane asked, gazing out at the mostly-rebuilt Citadel before them. “We’ve got the whole rest of the day to ourselves.”

“Let’s go celebrate,” Garrus replied. “You finished physical therapy. That’s a big deal. We need to celebrate it.”

“And how do you propose doing that?” Jane asked, smiling up at Garrus.

Spirits, he loved her smile. It did nothing to ease the butterflies in his stomach, or the weight of the little box he carried in his pocket, but he loved it nonetheless. He said coolly, voice miraculously not betraying his nerves, “Remember the one day we got to ourselves during the war?”

“We went shooting on a bridge,” Jane nodded. “You won.”

Garrus smirked with satisfaction. “And never forget it.”

“It’s hard to, with how often you bring it up,” Jane teased. “What about it, though?”

“Want to go for another round of target practice?” Garrus asked. “Relive the good old days, blow off some steam?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jane smiled.   
  


“You’re  _ sure _ C-Sec isn’t going to be up our asses?” Jane asked, raising her pistol.

“I already talked to Bailey about it. They’ll leave us alone,” Garrus nodded, tossing a can back and forth between his hands. “Ready?”

“You bet I am!” Jane laughed, looking down the scope. Garrus laughed as well, throwing the can as far as he could.

_ Bang! _

“Nice shot!” Garrus exclaimed, as the can fell to the bridge with a hole clean through the dead center of it. “My turn.”

Jane picked up another piece of junk from the little pile they’d collected, waiting for Garrus to raise his beloved sniper rifle before hurling the scrap metal into the air.

_ Bang! _

“You’re getting sloppy, Archangel,” Jane teased. “You barely hit that one.”

“Just warming up, that’s all,” Garrus replied lazily, setting down the rifle and picking up another piece of scrap. “Besides, a hit is a hit. I’ve killed people with worse shots than that.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jane smiled, readying her pistol again. “Just throw the damn target.”

“This is your second-to-last shot,” Garrus said. “We only collected enough crap for each of us to get three shots off.”

“Well, winner buys dinner then,” Jane replied. “Throw the damn target, Vakarian!”

Garrus obeyed, sending the scrap metal flying in a graceful arc.

_ Bang! Bang! _

“And you called me a lousy shot,” Garrus teased. “Took you two shots to get that one.”

“Still got it,” Jane retorted. She tossed down her pistol and picked up another can. “Let’s see if you do.”

This trajectory was clunky and graceless, marred by the odd crushed shape of the can and the wind. Garrus aimed and fired, miraculously hitting the can with a satisfying  _ ping! _

“I am a turian of many talents, after all,” Garrus said, smirking, when he saw Jane’s shock at his meeting his mark. “Come on. Last shot for you. Winner buys dinner, remember?”

A plan was forming in his mind, one he hadn’t even considered before, one related to the little box he’d carried around for a few months now. He smiled, throwing an easy throw, watching with satisfaction as Jane easily hit it.

“Well, I’m three for three, big guy,” Jane said, satisfied. “You’d better make this one, or you owe me a nice dinner at that sushi place that hopefully won’t get blown up this time.”

“Yeah, yeah, keep talking,” Garrus teased, raising his sniper.

Jane’s throw was hard and fast, zooming along the bridge, but the arc was easy to track. He aimed, ready to hit the can, but then…

_ Bang! _

Jane crowed her triumph. “Ha! You missed! So much for being the better shot!”

Garrus set down the rifle and put his hands in his pocket, shrugging his indifference - rather, his false indifference, as his heart was singing.

Jane turned her back to him, arms raised in triumph, as she all but sang, “I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite spot on the Citadel!”

Garrus used this to his advantage, remembering the vids he had watched of human courtship rituals. He sank to one knee, pulling the box from his pocket and clutching it tightly in one of his large hands.

Jane turned around, a cocky, smarmy smirk on her face as she prepared to boast some more, but she stopped dead upon seeing Garrus in the position he was in. Her face went slack with shock and she just barely managed to whisper, “Garrus?”

“I...er, hope I’m doing this right,” Garrus said, confidence faltering for a moment. Jane still looked baffled, so he went on, “I...probably should have planned this out better, but I didn’t think I’d get this far, so, er...here we are.”

“Garrus, what are you doing?” Jane asked, voice a little stronger. She looked...almost scared? That wasn’t the right expression.

Garrus look a deep breath and said, “Jane, I’ve loved you since we were children. I’ve loved you as a slave, as a friend, and as a lover. I’ve loved you through peace and war. I saw you die once and nearly die another time. And all of that made me realize the one thing that should’ve been obvious from the very beginning. I was just too big of an idiot to realize it.”

Before Jane could interrupt, he went on, “I’ve always loved you, and I always will. And I want to know...I  _ need _ to know...if you’ll love me too. If you’ll...if you’ll marry me.”

“Garrus,” Jane whispered. “I…”

She hesitated, and Garrus felt his whole world break apart. In all the vids he’d watched, hadn’t the women burst into tears, immediately said yes? Why was she hesitating? Was something wrong?

“...are you sure you want this?” Jane finally managed.

Garrus blinked, caught off-guard. “What?”

Jane’s beautiful emerald eyes filled with tears. “Garrus, don’t pretend like I didn’t put you through hell this past year. I talked to Tali and Liara and made them tell me. You were so stressed, so nervous, so on edge, all the time. Because of me. Because I was too self-centered to think about you, about anyone but me. Are you sure you want someone like that?”

Garrus paused a moment, trying to grab at his racing thoughts, before saying, “Jane, you spent years putting everyone else before yourself. I think it was high time you focused on yourself. I won’t pretend it wasn’t hard. I won’t pretend that seeing you like that wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. But that doesn’t change how I feel about you. You were all that got me through the years with McCarthy. You saved my family. You were there for me when...shit, you’ve always been there. We’re going to go through hard times together, sweetheart, but that doesn’t change who we are. It doesn’t change how much I love you. And it definitely doesn’t change that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If you’re ready to be a one-turian kind of woman, that is.”

Jane giggled despite herself, so Garrus repeated, “Jane, will you marry me?”

This time, an instant nod, and Garrus’s heart swelled so much he thought it would burst. Jane said, “Yes. I will. Of course I will.”

Garrus handed Jane the little box he held - the small human-style engagement ring was far too small for his talons to manage - and pulled her close, pressing his forehead against hers. He hoped she could hear the humming of his subvocals, how completely and perfectly happy and in love he was.

 

Apparently, she could. That night, after a long series of vidcalls to tell their family and friends the happy news, they fell asleep curled together. And for the first time in nearly three years, the nightmares were gone.

Instead, Jane dreamt of dancing in a white dress with Garrus, of a little turian with human eyes, of the home and life that they would share.

For the first time since their reunion on the Citadel, before Saren and the geth, before the Collectors and the Reapers, Jane was happy.

And now, she knew she always would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with Jane, Garrus, and I through it all. I've been through an insane amount of life crap through the writing of this series, and it means more to me than y'all know that you've stuck around through my drabbles, my occasionally bad pacing, my epic love story. This isn't the end of this series, I don't think - it's been too big a part of my life to let it go like that. If you have any ideas on what should happen next, shoot me an ask or a message on tumblr (same username as here).
> 
> Thanks again, everybody. Your support means so much to me.
> 
> Littlebutfiery, out.


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